Are you really agenda free?

by Jennifer Day

"Bossy-boots" was my nickname as a child. Apparently I was always telling others what to do—my father jokes that the only difference between then and now is that now I get paid for it!

Ahhh—if it were only that simple. Being a coach is, of course, not about telling people what to do—it is, as we know, about facilitating someone to arrive at their own agenda and to connect with their own inner knowing of what is true and right for them. It is about supporting her or him to stay on the path they have set for themselves. This requires that the coach "gets out of the way" and drops any judgments or agenda.

However straightforward this is in theory, it is something that doesn’t always come easily. Nor is it something we as coaches are even always aware of struggling with in ourselves! As we listen to our clients talk, how "agenda free" are we? Really? Do we always ask ourselves:

Am I judging what’s being said? Or something else?
Am I formulating opinions about it, before I hear it all?
Am I framing my own reply while I listen?
Am I looking for an opportunity to interrupt—perhaps to ask a question?
Am I thinking about other things?
Did I get enough sleep last night?
Am I hungry? Thirsty? Comfortable? Focused?
Have I prepared sufficiently?

Or we might just sum it up in one question: "Got stress?"

If the answer to any of these questions is "yes," then we have an agenda—and we are not fully listening. Whether we are completely self-aware or not, whether we admit it or not, any such "agenda" creates low-grade stress and gets in the way of effective coaching. It is a simple biological principle that when we are in any kind of stress—regardless of the intensity—our neo-cortex or "thinking brain" does not engage the way we need it to.

When we listen to a client, ideally we need to assimilate not only what we actually hear fully but also what we "hear" between the lines. We need to be able to ask appropriate questions or offer insightful suggestions that move the client forward. We need to capture the essence of what is going on for the client, and use our insights, creative faculties and often our intuition to respond in a way that is helpful and productive for the client—and the client’s agenda. In order to do this successfully, we need our brain (our neo-cortex) to be fully switched on and we need to put our own agenda (ideas, projections and opinions) aside!

Agenda-free listening is a great practice to help with this, and although it isn’t always possible to implement, it seems to improve listening generally. It is simple in concept, consisting of six steps:

1. Self-Focus: Focus your attention in your own body (stomach, and chest area), and breathe slowly, extending the exhale as you focus on generating a good feeling and being centred in your own body.
    
2. Suspend: As soon as you are centred, place your own agenda, ideas and thoughts aside for a moment. "Switch off" your own views.
    
3. Commit: Make the intention not to interrupt, comment or offer guidance or advice of any kind until the person has finished speaking. Commit to this, fully.
    
4. Maintain: Stay focused on breathing slowly and maintaining your own "feel-good" state. Remain open to receiving the communication without flavouring it with opinions, judgments or assessments of any kind.
    
5. Summarize: When the speaker/client has finished speaking, sum up the essence of what you have heard, in a couple of sentences.
    
6. Delay Gratification: Finally, take 30 seconds or so to allow your own insights and appropriate coaching tools to surface before you begin your coaching. This delay may seem a little awkward to begin with, but bear with it—it works!

Although straight-forward in its process, agenda-free listening does require focus and practice. When I teach it, either in a training or one-on-one to clients (managers, directors, counselors, parents, etc.), many find it awkward and "artificial" to begin with, but after frequent and regular practice the results are always above and beyond expectations. If nothing else, listening in this way allows the person speaking the time and space to arrive at her or his own insights, solutions or conclusions, which—like it or not—will almost always be more powerful than any advice we coaches can give! I have certainly found agenda-free listening to be a remarkable tool for getting me out of "Bossy Boots" mode and into the state of mind and being necessary to be the kind of coach I really want to be.

Jennifer Day

4 Steps to Helping Children (& Adults) Build Healthy Self-Esteem

By Jennifer Day

Much has been written on the subject of self-esteem – particularly as it pertains to children – over the last  three or four decades. A great deal of it has been valuable, some of it controversial, and most of it has in the very least contributed to a heightened awareness of the importance of a positive self-image. Recently, some claims have been made that self-esteem is actually not a good thing at all. Studies claim to have shown that many children identified as bullies actually appear to have high self-esteem - even criminals and some with severe personality disorders apparently have high self-esteem. This leads me to question our very interpretation of the term ‘self-esteem’.

Having worked with children and parents on issues of self-esteem for many years – long enough to have watched generations of children grow up and become parents themselves – I have discovered that the term ‘self-esteem’ has many interpretations! One almost universal interpretation that has stayed with us since the self-esteem movement back in the 1970’s has been that self-esteem is something that can be acquired through achievement, for example through going to a wilderness camp and mastering ropes courses while being highly encouraged and praised by others. While this is, I am sure, quite beneficial and can contribute to an enhanced sense of accomplishment, it hardly qualifies for sustainable, ‘holistic’ self-esteem building.

I have briefly thought of looking for another term altogether, however, my Thesaurus tells me that the word ‘esteem’ is synonymous with ‘regard’, ‘respect’, ‘honor’ ‘value’, and ‘appreciation’. I have chosen to just add the word ‘healthy’.

In this interpretation, when a child (or adult) has what I consider to be healthy self-esteem, he feels confident and capable, worthy of love and respect – both giving and receiving -, and able to care about and contribute to his community and society as a whole in a constructive manner.  Most important of all, he knows that he has the resources within him to handle whatever life has to throw his way. These are qualities that are primarily derived from within, that are re-enforced and encouraged by achievements and strokes from others, but ultimately are develop from the inside out, - not from the outside in.

Step One to Building Healthy Self-Esteem; Self-Awareness

Learning to recognize and understand our own emotions is the first step to developing any ability to self-regulate and take charge of our own feelings, behaviour and actions; the most basic ingredients in healthy self-esteem. The ability for such self-awareness and regulation, emotionally and otherwise, is essential if we are to manage life’s stressors, pursue goals, develop meaningful relationships and become effective, contributing and caring members of our communities; in short, if we are to function with a measurable degree of happiness in today’s world. Sadly, much of society teaches us and our children to look outside ourselves for our gratification and happiness. As we try to satisfy ourselves with ‘stuff’ and ‘quick fixes’, we only want more. This method can never completely satisfy or fulfil us, for we are placing our confidence in everything BUT our ‘self’.

Step Two; Managing Perception and Life Stress.

One of the most difficult things for most of us to accept is that our perception determines our response to any given situation. It is difficult to accept because this concept makes us totally responsible for our own reactions and therefore for our own reality.

Nevertheless, we do have a choice. We can choose how we perceive the events in our lives; a cup is either half full or half empty, depending on our perception. We can choose to take complete responsibility for our own actions and reactions and teach our children to do the same. We can help our and other children– both by guidance and by example – to understand the role perception plays in our lives before they become adults, and empower them to take charge of their own emotional responses. The results will be twofold; an increase in the ability to problem solve and think creatively; and relational experiences that are far more likely to provide positive feedback. Both of these will validate and support a healthy self-image.

Step Three; Goals and Delayed Gratification;

Whenever we attain a goal, no matter how small, our confidence receives an important and frequently permanent boost. Although not the only ingredient, the achievement of goals is essential in the process of building healthy self-esteem. What can we do to support this?

First of all, develop the ability for delayed gratification! Identifying a goal and having the ability to do what is necessary in order to reach that goal, usually involves some type of self-discipline and the ability to wait. Also known as impulse control, this ability cannot be over-estimated when it comes to goal achievement. (If a child is accustomed to receiving most things she wants without any effort on her part, impulse-control will be a difficult if not impossible quality to develop.)

The other element that is significant, and often under-estimated when it comes to attaining a goal, is the imagination. The way we imagine will determine the level of our success both in terms of clarifying the goal and in terms of staying focused on it. The younger children are when learning to use their imagination in a positive, constructive way, rather that as a fear-inducing tool, the simpler it will be to make it work for them. As they learn to focus their imagery skills to achieve what they want and help them be the way they want to be, their healthy self-esteem will organically develop.

Step Four. Appreciation

A strong healthy self-esteem is difficult to sustain without feelings of appreciation being present in some form; appreciation for all that is in our lives; appreciation for the people in our lives; appreciation for where we are; appreciation for who we are; appreciation for our efforts, for our achievements and for all that fulfils us.

 In the last decade or so, scientific studies have been carried out researching the power and significance of feelings such as appreciation. Strong connections have been made between the levels and frequencies of feelings of appreciation and our capacity for self-healing and the handling of stress. Some studies have shown that of all the feelings we experience, the feeling of appreciation has one of the most powerful effects on the body.  Feelings of appreciation and other positive feelings also help the frontal cortex (the part of the brain where creative thinking, and intellectual learning takes place) function better, helping us to self-regulate and behave more in line with the way we want to behave. This will ultimately result in us feeling good about ourselves – giving us a positive, healthy self-esteem.

Whether we take these four steps towards building healthy self-esteem or not, the most important thing to know about self-esteem is that when we seek to build it, what we actually are in search of is the unshakeable confidence (self-confidence) that comes only with knowing that we can handle whatever life has to offer.

Which parent hasn’t experienced that wonderful, warm, fuzzy feeling in your heart when you watch your child sleep, felt the proud swelling in your chest as you watch her or him playing happily with other children, or had that irresistible urge to smile as your child recites a poem or prayer and gets a key word completely wrong! Until we become parents, we have no idea that we can love another human being in this way. It is truly miraculous. Poets and religions have claimed, since time in memorial, that such unconditional love is the most powerful force there is. And most of us wholeheartedly agree.

Why then, have we created a society where more and more of our children believe that adults don’t care about what they say or do? (27% last survey), a society where unconditional love has little or nothing to do with how we function? A world where, according to recent studies,  97% of teenagers are afraid to tell their parents what they think or do?

Why are we not using love as the powerful force and tool that we believe it to be? Is it because we don’t quite believe it to be all powerful, – or maybe it’s because we actually don’t know how to use it in day-to-day life?

Love has traditionally been viewed as sentimental, ‘mushy’ and abstract, not something associated with practicality, scientific facts or how we handle ‘real life’. Using feelings of love as a tool to handle daily life is, for most people, an abstract concept. Until recently, it was certainly not something considered to be practical – or even supported by science! Now, happily, we are not only seeing scientists researching love and proving its power, but they are actually developing ways to give the feeling of love practical application in day-to-day-life! As you are reading this, research studies are being conducted on emotions and feelings of love, and how we can use feelings of love to improve our health and our lives. From leading universities such as Harvard, Stanford and Duke in the United States, to Cambridge, London and Southampton Universities in England, these studies have been on-going for years and have published some significant results. Personally, I was fortunate enough to come across a few of them as early on as 1990, and have had ample opportunity to use and prove the findings in my practice as Coach, counselor and consultant. The results are impressive, to say the least, and as renowned author Joseph Chilton Pearce has said, they reveal ‘true coherence in the midst of a massively incoherent system’.

Many of the studies, in particular those done at, or in conjunction with, The Institute of HeartMath in California, (IHM) use simple techniques designed to help people change the way they feel, to determine how feeling states affect health. Their findings have shown that our mental and emotional reactions have a direct effect on our health. When feelings of anger and frustration are felt, there is a clear deterioration of the immune system, (lasting for up to 6 hours after the feelings of anger were felt), as well as an increase in heart rate (increasing the risk of heart disease), and speeding up of the aging process. However, when feelings of love, caring and appreciation are felt, there is a consistently marked improvement in the immune system, an increase in DHEA (the anti-aging hormone), and a balancing out of the heart rate.  These studies also show that our feelings and emotions have a direct effect on our ability to think clearly. Best-selling books such as Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman, have thrown light on this subject, citing studies that have been conducted for decades. The term emotional intelligence or EI – the emotional and social skills that make up what used to be referred to as character - has for some time been a buzz word amongst teachers and career-counselors, as extensive research findings conclude that EI is much more important to the future success of a child than IQ.  With all this, it has become quite clear that human emotions are considerably stronger than human linear and logical thought, and that our forefathers were wrong; our hearts do rule our heads!

Research shows that the heart is not just a blood pumping muscle, nor is it just a place where we feel things; the heart itself has its own intelligence system. This intelligence system tells the heart when to beat and sends messages up to the brain and back again to the heart. It is central in determining our mental and emotional reactions, (thus in turn affecting our health), and also regulates, among other things, the neo-cortex, (the outer layer of the brain), which is responsible for organ function, higher mental function and perception. The heart is electrically 60 times stronger than the brain, and of all the feelings we feel in our hearts, the feeling of unconditional love is more powerful than any other. All this is now scientifically proven. The power of love, and of the heart, is now a fact – something that we can teach our children, as a fact. The question of believing in it, is no longer relevant.

However, the question of HOW?, remains. How do we use this power of unconditional love to handle day-to-day life?  And how do we teach our children to do the same? How do we use love to counteract the stresses we all experience on a daily basis? How do we change to the feeling of love when we are in the midst of a traffic jam, and we’re supposed to pick up the kids - ten minutes ago? Or when we’re in a crucial meeting and we are constantly interrupted only to run out of time before we make out point? Or when the kitchen sink overflows and the phone rings and one child bangs the other on the head, all at the same time?  In the words of one parent; “How can I be all lovey dovey when all I want to do is scream?!”

The good news is that ‘lovey dovey’ is not where it’sat. Being in a feeling state of love without sentimentality or expectations, is! When we can be in a state of calm love, without any conditions, our heart sends messages to the brain that allow the two – heart and brain – to become synchronized. This enables the entire body, including the brain, to function at its most efficient. As a result we are much more likely to respond with creative solutions, and to act according to our highest potential. In other words, we are more likely to handle the sink, phone and fighting kids in a firm, managed way that we feel good about afterwards. 

Replacing feelings of frustration with feelings of love is, of course, a challenge. Being able to do it in a moment of turmoil requires a definite method or skill! One very effective method is an ‘in the moment’ skill, that I have used for a number of years, both in my own life and with the many clients I’ve worked with. It takes anything from a few seconds to a minute to do, and can make a world of difference in how a situation is handled – and how everyone involved feels afterwards. It is a simple 5-step process;

Step 1;             Recognize that you are feeling angry, stressed, or upset. Acknowledge to yourself how you feel. Give the feeling a word or description. If you can, write it down. If not, just speak it to yourself.

Step 2;             Become aware of your body and try to release any of the tension you feel. You can do this by clenching and un-clenching your fists once or twice, shaking out your hands (as if shaking off water), by letting out a silent (or if you’re alone, a vocal) scream, or by just blowing out through your mouth.

Step 3;             Take all your physical attention to your chest and the area around your heart. Consciously slow down your breath and try to extend the exhalation.

Step 4;             Think of something that gives you a feeling of appreciation or makes you want to smile, like a beautiful sunset or a special place you’ve experienced. FEEL what it feels like in your body, your chest.

Step 5;             Enjoy the feeling. Breathe into it. Holding that feeling, go back to the stressor or issue that made you tense, and ask yourself what better way you could look at or handle the situation. Listen to whatever insight or thought you get. If appropriate, write down your insights and act on them.

Notice how you feel. Do you have more clarity of thought? Is your response more in line with how you would like it to be? Are you behaving in a more coherent way?

This process is love in action, it is a HOW TO of love.  When the heart and the brain synchronize, - as they can only do most efficiently in a feeling state of love or appreciation - clarity and wisdom can flow. Love can thus be applied in daily life, practically and for every situation. Indeed, this process can help us to use love as the powerful force and tool that we now know it to be.

Although this technique may take a few minutes to do the first time, you will find that with practice, (2 or 3 times a day), you will soon be able to do it without stopping. Eventually, you will merely need to take your attention to your chest and heart, and you will feel a shift. Personally, I have used it with hundreds of families and children, and I can guarantee it will work – as long as you do it!  It is similar to the technique used by The Institute of HeartMath in many of their research studies (they call it Freeze Frame). Similar methods have been developed by others and you will find the same concept within many ancient religious teachings, but until this decade there was little scientific evidence to back any of them up.

Science or no science, in the 30 years I have worked with both adults and children from an array of cultures, I have never come across a tool that so effectively teaches ‘emotional intelligence’, that builds bridges between parents and children; colleagues and peers; partners and spouses; and that has the potential of reversing the terrifying statistics we hear about too frequently. When we each discover that by simply using the feelings of love and appreciation that we are all capable of, we can handle our lives at our very highest potential, it is one of the most empowering experiences possible. Most important of all, it gives us hope, for the future and for the young. In the words of one young (and recently empowered) teenager; “Love rules!”

 by

Jennifer Day

The Real Energy Crisis

The real energy crisis is about emotion energy.  Our emotional states create the behaviour that lead to crisis. On a global level, the economic crisis & recession, the gulf’s oil catastrophe and the numerous other environmental predicaments we face, all are a result of people’s emotions getting out of control. Greed, cravings, power-hunger, the need-to-control, insecurities, angst about ‘what if’s’, defensiveness, cynicism, judgment, over-confidence, self-righteousness, conceit, and indifference, are each and every one emotions that lead to behaviour which is, invariably, inappropriate for the greater good.

To illustrate this on a more personal level, may I suggest you take a moment, however uncomfortable, to consider the times in your life when you have felt any of the above emotions. Then consider the behaviour or actions the emotions resulted in. Are you happy, in retrospect, with the effects of your behaviour? Did your resulting actions lead to something you are proud of, today?  You may be the 1% that responds ‘yes’, but chances are you do not feel good about it! Yet, it will probably happen again, and again, and again, because emotions are one of our most powerful drivers, and unchecked they will determine how you act.

If we are really going to learn from and thrive after any crisis – never mind help the planet survive - we must take this fact into consideration. It is the missing piece in the puzzle of why, when we know so well we are acting destructively, do we keep doing it. The question is HOW - how do we consider the power of emotions and have that consideration make a difference? What steps can we take? The answer is – as with all things sustainable – one person at a time, each one of us making our own small effort.

If each one of us were to become just a little more aware of our emotions and, whenever we feel something like for instance irritation, entitlement, jealousy, resentment, cynicism, or judgment, ask ourselves; “Is this feeling serving me?” we might actually gain some interesting and fruitful insight about ourselves. We may even go one step further and ask; “How am I affecting others?” If the response to these questions is (from deep inside) in any way negative, we can choose to take steps to change it. Yes, WE CAN CHANGE THE WAY WE FEEL.  We have the power to do exactly that, - quite easily too - and with few exceptions*, to sustain it. There are simple, practical, processes that anyone can learn, at just about any age, that can change the entire course of a life! (The youngest I have witnessed grasping and using such skills, was a 22 month old). Skills for managing emotions are simple and easy to learn because we are innately physiologically designed, - that is, our brain and our body are designed -, to be able to change the way we feel, at will. Sadly, as a society we do not teach this to our children (or to grown-ups) and so the majority of us do not even consider the possibility, and instead spend our lives in reaction - to each other, to the ‘powers that be’, and to our own justifications or ‘stories’ that we tell ourselves; victims of our emotions; at the mercy of our own emotional energy.

And so, on that note, I have a ‘call to action’: that we start taking responsibility for our emotions and for their impact on our minds and bodies, on others and on our world, and that we teach our children to do the same. Just as with recycling and other environmental efforts, one step at a time, we can make changes and prevent or even just reduce the amount of unkind, uncaring, unproductive, damaging emotions currently impacting our world. With just a little effort, we can prevent the next generation from developing un-checked destructive emotions, and teach them how to manage what they feel so that their actions are an expression of what they and their communities’ value. In hopeful moments, I believe ‘one person at a time’ we can solve this, the most significant of all ‘energy crises’.  Maybe then our brains will generate enough sense and care to actually save our planet.

* Exceptions would include emotions such as grief brought on by a loss, (in which case it would be inappropriate to try to ‘force’ the grief-process), or depression brought on by physiological causes (which

may require professional help).

To learn more about the simple keys to taking charge of your life and how you feel, read BEING WHAT YOU WANT TO SEE

By
Jennifer Day

Emotional intelligence is, in a nutshell, the capacity to differentiate healthy from unhealthy emotions - emotions that serve us from emotions that don’t - and to appropriately express and self-regulate ones emotions in ways that are healthy and that do serve us, and to help others do the same. When our capacities for emotional intelligence are developed, they become competencies – and we achieve emotional mastery. 



Emotional mastery is an innate ability we all are capable of developing, an ability that when developed can help us draw on our emotions for our own and others’ benefit rather than allowing our emotions to control us and lead us to make often regrettable choices. When emotional mastery is applied in everyday life, we have the sense of being able to manage our thoughts and emotions during stressful times rather than being a victim of them; we have the sense of being in charge of our life path. This is one of the primary motivations behind the ever-increasing universal drive towards personal growth and lifestyle improvement.



Applied Emotional Mastery™(AEM) offers an understanding of the principles that underlie emotional intelligence and its mastery, and step-by-step practical applications of tools and skills for everyday life to effectively improve:



• Personal potential
o    
• Health and well-being
• 
Relationships

• Personal and professional growth
   
• The way we handle change and transformation


“Live every aspect of your life with care and intelligence”
- Ancient Greek Saying

More about Emotional Intelligence

Since the best-selling book EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE was published in 1995 (Daniel Goleman, Bantam Books), emotional intelligence has become one of the ‘buzzwords’ in the fields of psychology, education, personal growth, and in the corporate world.


Emotional Intelligence as a term was originally coined by researchers at Universities in New Hampshire and Yale in the US. Both the researchers and Goleman argued that there is a lot more to human intelligence than the limited ‘intelligence quotient’ (IQ) generally accepted as the measure of intellectual – and other – success. Goleman pointed out that there was no substantial evidence that demonstrates IQ to be a determining factor for success at all, and referring to a number of studies, showed that the newly identified emotional intelligence (or EI) appeared to be the key ingredient in determining how well a person does in life. Since then, countless further studies have corroborated these findings, and it is now more or less an accepted fact that a well developed EI is critical to success. So what is a well-developed EI? 



Goleman and others identified emotional intelligence as the combined qualities of;  a)the aptitude for self-awareness, b) the ability for self-control and emotional management, c) the capacity for impulse control, and d) the ability to empathize and cooperate with other people.



Years before, educator Howard Gardner carried out extensive studies on learning at Harvard University, and in 1983 published the now well-known model of multiple intelligences. These multiple intelligences that Gardner documented consisted of seven specific intelligences he identified as being present to differing degrees in all humans. He claimed that the consideration of these intelligences in the educational process was critical if effective learning was to take place. These seven intelligences include inter-personal intelligence (the ability to understand, empathize and cooperate with other people) and intra-personal intelligence (the ability to be self-aware, aware of one’s own emotions and use that awareness to function effectively in life), both central to the concept of emotional intelligence. 


Dr. Gardner also brought our attention to the fact that countless people with high IQ’s but low levels of intra-personal intelligence are in our society employed by people who have a considerably lower IQ, but a higher intra-personal intelligence. His studies concluded that in everyday life, the most important intelligence is inter-personal, the level of which determines who we befriend, who we decide to have relationships with, which jobs we choose and how we generally interact with others. 


As with the other elements of emotional intelligence, both inter-personal and intra-personal intelligence are now identified as qualities that – as opposed to IQ – are actually skills that can be learnt. 



Since these discoveries, an array of programs have been designed and developed to address the teaching of the EI skills. Many of them however, although admirable and of value, have had a disappointing if not limited impact when one considers the potential of such groundbreaking information. The vast majority of programs in the field have been implemented through the use of cognitive techniques and behavior modification - in other words, the human experience that is on the feeling or emotional level has been addressed through the thinking or cognitive level. This, we believe, must result in limited success.


Addressing an emotional experience through behavioral strategies (trying to control behavior) or through the ‘logical’ reasoning process (cognitively) only, is unlikely to have a lasting effect, because emotions are considerably more powerful than thinking, and behavior is a result of both.  When the cognitive strategy does work, it is because we have struck a chord within the emotional being.


A multi-principled approach, Applied Emotional Mastery™ works towards increasing emotional intelligence through addressing the physiology underlying the emotions, as well as using a comprehensive, practice oriented, and developmental methodology to building EI. 


Using scientifically based training, tried and tested techniques, and personalized coaching, AEM teaches individuals to develop simple, ‘in-the-moment’ skills that will allow them to apply self-awareness, self-management, and emotional mastery, in every aspect of everyday life. 


Results are almost immediate as most participants experience improvements after the very first session.


For more information about AEM, read more on this web site or Contact Us

By

Jennifer Day

“Anyone can become angry – that is easy. But to be angry with the right person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose, and in the right way – this is not easy.”  Aristotle

The ability to manage our emotions effectively may be more significant at this time in history than ever before. We live in a society with an uninhibited drive to accumulate greater and greater excess on a march towards global domination. The resulting growing divide between the ‘haves’ and the ‘have nots’, - the “us and them” attitudes that permeate our world -, are creating tensions both at home and worldwide that are ending daily in thousands of examples of emotional hijacking and emotionally charged actions; innocent people being killed on a minute by minute basis, many of them children - and I’m not just talking about those in war zones or those that are starving to death – acts of violence perpetrated by desperate human beings, consequences of people made to feel increasingly stressed, unsafe, overwhelmed and threatened. Sadly however, our leaders, politicians and decision makers are not recognizing the significance of emotions, either for themselves, others, or as an integral part of the consequences of their decisions and policies. Emotions, the study of emotions and emotional intelligence (EI) are still referred to as ‘psychobabble’, and even stress is upheld as an indication of a strong work ethic, something to be bizarrely proud of almost as ‘a badge of honor’, even more than fifty years after the first law-suit sighting stress as a health hazard. As a counselor, coach and trainer in the field of stress management and EI, this never ceases to amaze me! Nevertheless, there are those who choose to try to understand what the consideration of emotions and emotional intelligence might mean and what benefits there may be for us all in trying to improve our own level of stress management and emotional intelligence; those who understand that it is not just a fad or a concept for people in therapy or self-help workshops, but something that is a critical for everyone - a key to self-awareness, the appropriate and considerate expression of beliefs and feelings, mindfulness, self-management, compassion and cooperation. Of course, there is also the significance now validated by countless scientific studies, of the role emotions play in health – but that’s another article altogether!

Believe it or not, emotions drive our behavior and the way we interact with each other and perform in our lives. Behind every word, action or deed are beliefs, perceptions, reasoning and thoughts, - thoughts that are only as powerful as the emotions that carry them.  Who hasn’t felt a sudden rush of anger, so strong it becomes un-controllable and we find ourselves saying or doing something that we later deeply regret. Or experienced a sudden wave of sadness for no apparent reason, giving rise to a train of thoughts that in turn fills us with self-pity and often lingering depression. Or just a niggling feeling of anxiety and worry in the back of our minds, when no amount of encouraging remarks from loved ones such as ‘Don’t worry!’ can change our perception that worrying is just what we are meant to be doing.

A client of mine, Mike, took his children to an amusement park one weekend. His youngest, four-year-old Kate didn’t remember her previous visit as a baby, so for her it was a completely new experience. The two older boys remembered very well and wanted to go on all kinds of different rides. Kate however, just wanted to go on the rollercoaster, so Mike said he’d go with her. Little did he know the longest line in the whole park was for the rollercoaster! Mike absolutely detested standing in line, but he liked to keep his word so they stood in line for a little while. Soon he started to get impatient and began looking around for something else they could do instead. Then he tried to persuade Kate that the rollercoaster really was no big deal, but Kate was adamant and they waited some more. Finally Mike started trying to tempt her with other rides and things he knew she liked.  Eventually, he became so irritated he offered her a bribe, something that went totally against his value system and the way he wanted to parent; “If we go on another ride instead,’ he cajoled, “I’ll give you an extra ice-cream!” He was feeling pretty disgusted with himself, but somehow just couldn’t seem to help himself. To add insult to injury, Kate was not having any of it. She turned her little face up to her father and said ‘Dad, I have waited my whole life to go on a rollercoaster, I’m not going to give it up now!’ 
Mike looked down at his spunky little four-year-old with her tiny hands on her hips, looking up at him as if this was an issue of national importance! At first he just stared at her, incredulously. Then he felt the urge to laugh, and then suddenly a surge of love for his little girl welled up in him. His feelings instantaneously shifted from annoyance and almost anger to love and laughter. When recapping the story to me, he concluded; “And you know what? After that we could have waited in that line all day and I wouldn’t have cared!”

Emotions drive our perceptions and what we think because they are stronger and more powerful than our cognitive ability for reasoning. More often than not, we aren’t even consciously aware of the emotions in our body that are driving our thinking. When we become aware of our emotions, we label them and they become feelings, giving us the consciousness to begin the process of emotional self-regulation – if we so desire! For example, when I become aware that my emotions are unsettling and that I am in fact feeling anxious, I become further aware that this anxiety if causing me to fuss over my child and snap at my husband. Only then can I begin the process of managing my feelings so that they no longer have such a stressful impact; I can remove myself for a few minutes, do some breathing exercises and take charge of my internal emotional state, changing it to one that gives me some clarity of thought, whereupon I can plan and write down a few steps I may take to address whatever is causing the anxiety, or at least gain some insight into how I can better handle myself. I can then go back into my family situation with a renewed sensitivity and even mindfulness of their needs as well as my own.

Consciousness allows us to take charge of our emotional state, enhancing our ability to become sensitive to our own needs, the needs of others and the needs of the collective whole in any given situation. The power of such consciousness is in the intention of using it to manage the impact we have on one another; to maintain a lasting awareness of the absolute power of emotions – that they underlie everything - and to take responsibility for that personal power, each of us individually. As Aldous Huxley famously said; “There is only one corner of the universe that you can be certain of improving; and that is your own self.”

by
Jennifer Day

If you are a parent one thing is for sure, your relationship with your child will change. As children outgrow the cuteness factor, they will also outgrow the awe in which they hold you. As they get bigger, so too will their perspective. They will begin to question you and what you stand for, and finally your little angel will realize that you are (in the words of my daughter), “but a mere human.” There are few things in life you can rely upon as surely as this. Unfortunately, many of us have a difficult time with it, challenged as we are by navigating through hormone changes (our child’s and our own), questions of discipline, responsibilities, values, control vs. guidance, and the inevitable ‘letting go’.

Being a coach in the field of stress management and having developed Applied Emotional Mastery over the course of more than a decade, I have had the opportunity of working with hundreds of parents going through this process. Added to my own experience as a mother of 29 years, this has led me to identify five key pointers to help parents with the transition of their children going through individuation into adulthood.

1. Be the Parent – not a buddy. Every young person needs his or her ‘boundary-setter’ and guide more than anyone, and you are it!
One client of mine came to me because her 14 year old son was ‘out of control’. He had been coming home late, not keeping his commitments and was increasingly sassy towards his mother. His grades were lower than ever and he had skipped school on several occasions. After she had described the situation, it became evident that she had allowed her son to get away with behavior that in her own mind was unacceptable. She had been inconsistent with her rules, not always enforcing them, and giving in to her son’s nagging - which he would do when he wanted a favour! Having the desire to be a ‘cool mom’ and a friend to her son, she had basically relinquished her role as his guide, allowing him to cross her ‘bottom line’ of what was acceptable to her as his mother. As soon as she understood what she had allowed to happen, she mapped out a plan for change. She began by getting clear about her own values and the values she wanted to
impart to her son.  She continued by writing down her rules and then going through them with her son, explaining her reason or value behind each rule. In the weeks that
followed, she became consistent in sticking to them, ensuring that consequences were carried out when he broke the rules (including being rude and sassy). In short, she held him responsible for his actions. After his initial protests, her son adjusted and soon they had a much more amiable relationship than they had experienced for years. She was delighted with her regained role as ‘the parent’, and her son – well, when I asked him what he thought, he grinned and replied, “It’s cool to know I have a mom who loves me enough to call me on my s…t!”

2. Listen – Your child is a unique individual who deserves to have his own thoughts and feelings validated, and to be fully listened to by his parent every day, for at least 10 or 20 minutes. Set aside time every day to give your child your full and complete attention, without judgment.
Don’t multitask - Your child will not feel heard if you are making a list, checking e-mails or chopping vegetables while he speaks.
Stay focused – Turn off the TV and the computer -  and let the answering service pick up the phone calls.
Stay in the moment – Don’t watch the clock. Forget about your own worries and distractions. Try to remain fully present.
If you do this daily when your child is young, it will carry you through a great deal when he is older!

3. Allow your child to be who (s)he is. – Your child is not here to live up to your expectations. If you sometimes feel frustrated with the differences between you and your child, try to appreciate the differences, and look for creative ways to enjoy each other.
A family I worked with in Hawaii loved the ocean. They would spend all day swimming and surfing whenever they could – except for their daughter. She was apprehensive of the ocean at best, and would much rather be reading or painting at home. The more the parents pushed her to enjoy the ocean, the more stubbornly she refused. When they finally decided to appreciate her uniqueness, it helped them change their perspectives. Creative ideas followed and they ended up with a parasol, an easel and a basket full of paints and books accompanying them to the beach. Their daughter did what she loved,


at the beach - painting her family playing in the waves. Eventually, when the pressure was off, she found her own way into the warm waters! Today, she can surf with the best of them!

4. Always acknowledge your child’s feelings. – Even if you don’t understand the feelings, acknowledge what you see and validate it.
When my daughter was homeschooling as a teenager, she would worry about her learning curve and about not being able to compare herself to others. If I responded by telling her not to worry, we would invariably have an argument about whether she had a right to worry. If, on the other hand, I told her that I could understand her concern, it would lead to her sharing further what she was feeling and thinking. She would then feel validated, and I could more objectively support her to find solutions to her concerns.

5. Don’t take it personally – If your child blames you for her problems or is yelling at you, you may feel hurt. Nevertheless, try to stay objective. Acknowledge your emotions to yourself and take responsibility for managing your own feelings. Don’t add to the tension by projecting your emotions onto the situation. Remind yourself that whatever the problem is, it is not the end of the world and will eventually be solved. Your child may be just doing what nature intends – individuating. That’s her job. Your job is to create and sustain a safe environment – physically, mentally, and emotionally, - for your child to blossom into his or her own unique self.

When I asked my now adult daughter if she had five pointers – from the young person’s perspective - to help parents with the transition of their children into adulthood, she looked at me for a moment and said, “One, love, two, love, three, more love, four love, and five, show them your love.”

by
Jennifer Day